Warming the Bed
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Joke thread
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Warming the Bed
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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
She replies 'you've a bigger cock than your brother'.
Sex God
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You will never guess who I bumped into yesterday in Specsavers? . . . . . . Everybody!
Warming the Bed
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imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept their tag lines
tesco condoms- every little helps
nike condoms- just do it
peugeot condoms- the ride of your life
kfc condoms- finger licking good
ever ready condoms- keep going and going and going
pringles condoms- once you pop you cant stop
burger king- home of the whopper
andrex condoms- soft strong and very long
polo condoms- the one with the hole:lol2::lol2::lol2::lol2:
Sex God
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The next pandemic
I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.
I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.
From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.
This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.
Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.
However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.
Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.
NOTE
If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling. Those suffering from the above conditions should not panic if they appear to have a very pale complexion as this is just a variant strain of this flu called white wine flu
Warming the Bed
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a married couple were staying overnight in a hotel room. unfortunately the room only had twin they were settling down in their single beds the husband says 'my little honey bunch im lonely wonely'. Taking the hint she climbs out of bed and makes her to him. on the way she trips over the suitcase and falls flat on her face. concerned the husband goes 'oh did my little honey bunch fall on her nosey wosey'.She gets up and climbs into his bed and they have passionate sex. Afterwards she makes her way back to her bed. On her way she trips over the suitcase again and falls flat on her turns over in bed and says 'stupid cunt'
Sex God
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Two little boys were playing in park and find a condom.
They take it to show there mum.
She gets really angry telling them its dirty and not to touch things they find.
One boy says to the other, mum was really mad about that balloon.
Ye say the other, we better not tell her we ate the yoghurt out of it.!!
Sexlightened
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TAMPAX have announced a new promotional range of tampons...the string is being replaced with tinsel...this promotion will only last over the christmas period!
Sexpert
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Ann Summers have come up with an easy guide to complete sexual joy.
It explores the Clitoris and the G-Spot and even shows the male where they are and how to find them... "TwatNav" will be in there shops and catalogue in time for Christmas. :evil2::evil2:
Casanova
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man and his wife go shopping ,,,wife see lovely shoes,,,hubbie says fuck no they too expensive,,
that ngiht in bed he slips his hand on her pussy,,
she says,,,dont think so mate,,
you cant affort to shoe the horse,,,u aint fooking riding it :bounce:
needless to say i have a dressing room full of shoes 
sory ding but thanks for the joke :therethere:
sory ding but thanks for the joke :therethere:
Sex God
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Wife says to husband.... you make love like you decorate,
Husband replies, what very slow and professional?
No she replies, i have to finish the job myself.
Sexpert
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Food Inspector in Bakery catches Paddy using his false teeth to do design on edge of apple tart, she roars, Have u no Tool?? - yeah he replies but i used dat for the Donuts!
Sex God
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Couple go on a farmhouse holiday. They stay in their room and dont come down for food. After a week the farmers wife is very concerned and knocks on their door to ask if they need food. The couple reply that they are ok, they dont need food. Farmers wife asks what are they doing for food...they reply they are living on love...farmers wife replies...well in that case would ye please stop throwing the skins out the window , they are choking the chickens
Sex God
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A devoted couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and contact the remaining partner.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
'Mary ? Mary ?'
'Is that you, Fred? '
'Yes, I've come to contact you like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, off to the golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again. '
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Devon .'
Sex God
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Sex God
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What is the difference between santa clause and Tiger Woods
Answer: Santa stops at three hoes
Sex God
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A lady brings a very thin and anaemic looking baby to the doctor. The doctor examines the baby and asks if the baby is breast fed. The woman replies that the baby is breast fed. The doctor then proceeds to examine the womans breasts..feeling them and squeezing her nipples...The doctor tells her that she has no milk and that's why the baby is'nt thriving....The woman replies with a big grin " I know, I am the granny"
Sex God
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ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH TONIGHT AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE , I'M JUST E-MAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE!
Sex God
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the tattoo your kids never want to see
Sex God
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Sex God
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CONFESSION
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Sex God
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hiya Virgo, I was looking for this joke thread an hour ago and could'nt find it
.. I must need to go to specsavers :giggle:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
Sex God
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:lol2::lol2::lol2::lol2:
Sex God
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Bacon and eggs.. all in a days work for the hen, not so good for the pig
Sex God
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a brain and a pair of jump leads walk into a bar. the brain goes to order a round for the 3 of says the barman,I cant serve asks the brain , the barman says because your outa ur head and ur 2 pals look like theyre about to start something
Sex God
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:giggle:
Sex God
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Two buckets of sick walking down the road, one starts to cry and look wistful, the other bucket asked him whats wrong? The first bucket says "i was brought up around here".
Sex God
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was in an adult shop the other day and got myself one of those inflatable palastinian sex dolls. when i got home and opened the box she blew herself up
Sex God
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Klu Klux Klan
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is
a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who
did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory. Now, stand and confess your transgression.'
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, Betty, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke,
'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends
that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared with laughter.
Sex God
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didya hear about the new inflatable doll on the market,
ya bite her neck and she goes down on you
