I'm looking for a girl (or girls) who are as boring as I am. Preferably you have no social life, few friends, and your idea of a wild time is watching Seinfeld reruns on my pirated chorus.

Bonus points if you know how to cook and clean, as well. And if you give good massages, that's just gravy too. I don't require you to have any imagination in the sack either, it's just gonna be two minutes of missionary before I roll over and go to sleep, so there's really no need.

Hopefully you'll have ambition, a good job, and will be able to support me while I sit on my arse and do nothing, all day long. I usually tell people that I'm a starving musician, but I don't actually make music, I just have a guitar that I bought at a car boot sale for a tenner that I can play Wonderwall on. ALSO, don't message me if you are going to be like all the other girls and just treat me like a piece of meat. I am NOT just a sausage with legs, I have FEELINGS too. You'll need to be able to see that if you want to get anywhere with me.

My ideal partner would be:

I'm open minded, and you should be too. Typically speaking, I only date bisexual or bicurious women. Short hair and punk rocker girls are also a plus.