A duck walks into a bar hops up on a stool and orders a pint and a sambo. The barman, slightly puzzled, obliges the duck and serves him. After the duck has finished he orders a second pint which the barman pulls.
Upon serving him the second pint the barman says "dont mind me saying but we never served a duck before". The duck shakes his head and says "Ah look ive just finished a long days work and all I want is a quiet pint". The barman then asks "What do you work at?" To which the duck replies "Im a plasterer".
The barman says to the duck "well i have the perfect job for you, have you ever considered working for the circus? Because I know the ringmaster and I can get you in there"
The duck then asks "Is it a big circus?" The barman thinking hes gona make a few quid out of this smiles and says that it is. "Its a three ring circus buddy".
"Is it in one of them tents?". The barman replies "Yeah its a really big tent".
"Tell me this then" says the duck with a puzzled look on his face. "What the fuck would they need a plasterer for?"
I was in a really rough pub today. As soon as i sat down one of the regulars told me to be careful that the pub was really bad for drugs.
Then a someone shouted down from the other end of the bar "Dont mind him. I have really good shit here".
Three ex-pat's are drinking in a Melbourne bar.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well Hamish" said the Englishman, "In my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh that's nothing," says the Irishman, "Back home in my local, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not me personally no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister a few times."
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Russia . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from IRELAND . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees....
A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......." :
:lol:
What's the difference between Mr Sugarloaf and the flu?
You can get rid of the flu
Just some self-depreciative humour there. See Im not so serious all the time
Here is what I find really funny, though not in the comedic sense.
Last week I tried to upload a picture of my pool room and got an email saying it wasnt being approved because the account holder was not in or the primary focus of the pic.
Yet in the gallery at present there is a pic, not of a member but its a banner with a silhouette of a woman with the words Milf Hunter below it. And that was approved.
Now I dont know the guy who uploaded it and all power too him, but he is not in the pic so why was that approved yet mine wasnt?
Quote by Sugarloaf Here is what I find really funny, though not in the comedic sense. Last week I tried to upload a picture of my pool room and got an email saying it wasnt being approved because the account holder was not in or the primary focus of the pic. Yet in the gallery at present there is a pic, not of a member but its a banner with a silhouette of a woman with the words Milf Hunter below it. And that was approved. Now I dont know the guy who uploaded it and all power too him, but he is not in the pic so why was that approved yet mine wasnt?
My god am so so sorry about that .. pic has be Removed
Id love to go back and forth all night Guns, but I really have better things to be doing like having my gorgeous wife take a pic of me in my poolroom. Then I'll upload it.
Keep an eye out for it will ya?
Thanks.
Quote by Sugarloaf Id love to go back and forth all night Guns, but I really have better things to be doing like having my gorgeous wife take a pic of me in my poolroom. Then I'll upload it. Keep an eye out for it will ya? Thanks.
Fifty Shades of Grey, a husband's view.
The missus bought a Paperback
…down Eason's, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was 'Fifty Shades of Grey'.
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went of to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip..
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer..
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
…..I am the dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
'Step on the other one'!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey...
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for €200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology
with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife"
Swing4Ireland features sexually explicit material. To access this site you must be of the legal age to engage with the material of an adult site.
By entering Swing4Ireland you agree to the following;
I am deemed an adult where I live, and I am at least 18 years old
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