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dubhead
14 hours ago
Straight Male, 56
0 km · Dublin
Forum
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine .
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.
Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
He said - she said
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear
pants don't you?
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways
and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room . .. . 'My husband follows
me everywhere' Written just below it . .. . ' I do not'
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
A. They're married.
Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?' God says: 'So you would love her.'
But God,' the man says, 'why did you make her so
dumb?' God says: 'So she would love you.'
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you
are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but
don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then> you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head
only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add
another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000.. Now add 10. What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last
question right... Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay,
now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a
pair of sunglasses;
how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.
Brian Cowan was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
>>
>> classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
>>
>> their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cowan if he would like to lead
>>
>> the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
>>
>>
>>
>> So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
>>
>>
>>
>> A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
>>
>> farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
>>
>> that would be a 'tragedy.'
>>
>> No, said Brian - that would be an accident.'
>>
>> A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
>>
>> drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
>>
>> I'm afraid not, explained Brian - that's what we would call great
>>
>> loss
>>
>> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Brian searched
>>
>> the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
>>
>> tragedy?'
>>
>> Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
>>
>> In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mr. Lenihan was
>>
>> struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
>>
>> be a tragedy.'
>>
>> 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brian. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
>>
>> that would be tragedy?'
>>
>> 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
>>
>> wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident
>>
>> either!'
>
RELIGIOUS BOYFRIEND
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy
is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes,
and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move! During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,the sister on his right and the
mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy
is still praying; "and Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad
was a pharmacist!
Moral the story, always have good, holy, and honourable intentions. You
never know!
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
Dora,
Your preferences are your preferences and should be respected at all times. Some people must not read the profiles or not have the manners to respect other people’s wishes. There are some gorgeous girls on here, they have preferences that I can never satisfy – I know this and I have never or would never ask them to play. I have teased then occasionally about excluding me and about the things I would do to achieve their preferences...... but getting a false birth cert is hard to do lol lol. I have got some hilariously funny replies but bottom line is I will never ask them to play. None-the-less I have had some good banter, while some choose not to reply – again it’s their prerogative to do so. Of course if one asked me to stop wasting their time I’d have to stop – this site is a fun site for all and anyway life is too short to cause offence to others. So Dora the delete key is a very valuable key on your computer for that kind of stuff. Dubhead.
