16 Oct 2017
Ophelia - any port in a storm - the S4I storm bunker ...
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8 minute read
aside: there was no genre 'pisstake' or 'comical' and this is entirely meant in that vein with no intended offence to any characters referenced.
Within the storm bunker that Swing4Ireland had offered those who had been lucky enough to see the post that early were spread throughout the salubrious bunker facility. Up the steps outside, it was like a scene from a disaster movie - bright sunshine, blue skies, leaves flying around in the wind as those less fortunate walked around wondering how big piles of autumn leaves could have scared Met Eireann so much.
Ophelia raged on.
Below ground, it felt like weeks but the inhabitants settled into the morning after the night before. Each given little or no time to prepare to flee the impending disaster, there preparations had been rushed.
Leia had proclaimed that Miwadi and Hendricks should be priorities over Anakins bikes.
SexiWexi’s brought fire logs despite there not being a fire in the bunker and a small travel suitcase containing her ‘essential overnight bits and pieces’ - a case of ask no questions, she’ll tell you no lies.
The Nitches, a video camera, sound equipment, some ropes and a small overnight bag between them. Standard fare.
Caroline had her weekend bag, her cat, a book on the art of innuendo and her reading glasses that she typically wore on the tip of her nose in the manner that took everyones fancy.
Treacy had brought a camera, and several boxes of Turkish delight
Nora had insisted she was going nowhere with her whip can curious cat and a her Cork GAA Jersey and red g-string.
Freaky had travelled light, DJ decks, his vinyl collection, cans, a quill and notebook
OldField brought his scrap book from Dunkirk, his war helmet and a large stick …. he insisted on the stick and mumbled something about retribution as he entered.
I00 brought a pair of runners and a 6 pack … of beer … he insists theres another on him with a wink
Rinara had brought a chocolate coloured teddy bear, her overnight bag containing several g-strings a copy of ‘The secret world of the Irish Male’
Armed this morning with his laptop, his head wrapped in the cold wet towel he’d brought with him, DDD sat staring at the satellite view of Ireland.
“This thing is either fucked, or there is no storm folks” he lamented.
“Why are you wearing a towel around your head instead of your waist” commented Freaky as he did his morning ab crunches accompanied by a sleepy I00.
“Ask Leia, the cunning minx told me it was an isotonic drink and it’d be good for me” DDD said wincing as his hangover raged. “I have no idea what the hell happened, I remember singing into some sort of microphone with MrsNitch and Wexi and then some Willy Wonka purple cane being pulled out of a suitcase and then I passed out”.
Freaky and I00 continued with their situps as Leia walked into the room.
“Bitches” she address the lads with her usual flair. A almost empty bottle of Miwadi blackcurrant in her hand and Anakin holding the other. He was smiling that smile of his. The one all familiar to anyone who hadn’t slept but for all the right reasons. He nodded to the guys strewn about the room with a smile and they nodded back. Largely ignoring the swaggering Leia.
Noticing DDD, Leia laughed and then threatened him with the bottle with a snigger. “Go on, have a swig, it’ll put hair on your chest …. oops you’ve had enough !!”.
Feigned smile holding back vomit DDD could only counter “At least I didn’t loose my phone, god nows if that Statoil station is standing you’re all over youtube”.
“What ever looser” Leia retorted as she murmured to Anakin “we are in deep shit if those videos go live”.
The room stopped and turned. Freaky had begun his morning meditation and was now levitating about a foot off the ground and out the door towards the kitchen.
It was freaky …. of Freaky … so nobody passed a comment and they returned to the artificial pleasantries that occur when a room is full of hungover people, that know a little of each other and are hoping to survive an apocalyptical hurricane.
Lady Caroline was in doorway as Freaky floated past her ‘Hey Firefox’ he said with one eye open ‘looking smoking as always’ as he continued past her and into the kitchen.
‘Morning m’lady’ muttered DDD ‘Im afraid I am unwell and unable to follow up on promises of your neck and back massage this morning’.
Caroline had only just made the emergency bunker after a very long drive in the only available transportation to her. As 4x4 streamed past at speed she’d arrived in a golf cart, dressed impecably and calm but with a sore neck and back from waving to people running for their lives.
She greeted the room in a mannerly way as to be expected and began sipping a tea from fine china as she observed the room. I00 had begun hip flexor stretches and had slipped somewhat out of his running shorts, much to his own amusement.
At the large metal door to the bunker in the corner of the room there’s a sound that stops the inhabitants ‘Hows’ it going, how are you today ? whats the weather like in there’ and then its gone again. Swing4Ireland had made it clear, not to open the door for anyone until the storm had passed. But they all wondered out loud how friends, family were faring during this hurricane. "anyone for a Gangbang" floated from outside into the room. Maybe this storm was for the best.
Entering the kitchen, Freaky lowered himself between Treacy and Nora who were laughing with tears in their eyes about a shared adventure or another.
As Freaky rose between them, they stopped laughing and began to grin to each other. Treacy suddenly felt additional support around her breasts and noticed it was CuriousCat who had arrived in stealth like fashion to take a nibble.
“Ready steady …. “ Nora said with a pause …. ‘Cook?’ said Freaky … “Close Freaky but not quite …. “ laughed Nora … as they grabbed the long shaft of the saucepan …. and handed Freaky the 12 dozen box of eggs. The ingredients were all to hand except the milk for the omelette. Treacy left Freaky in the very capable hands of Nora and Curious over the heated hob …. and grabbed a litre of milk from the fridge. Not one to resist she raised it to drink but … to her enjoyment it ran all over her face and over her chest. “Oooops” she said with a giggle … “help a girl out here guys” …. as Nora took the milk laughing and getting stuck in at the hob, curiouscat and freaky gratefully assisted Treacy relieving either the ‘sister’ of the spilt milk. “Its true, cats do love their milk” purred CuriousCat as she licked her milk and looked across at Freaky … ‘Hmmmah daatttss gggg’ agreed Freaky, Treacy’s hand ensuring he was getting all of the milk pressing his head close to her and laughing.
Over the laughter came the sound of ‘Girls just wanna have fun’ from the communal bedrooms.
“Girls its good, it really is … but … there’s more … more passion” said Oldfield “what do you think Mr Nitch ?”
“Absafuckinlutely” Mr Nitch said, his head raised, being the only part of him able to move as he was spread eagled and buck naked bound by purple bindings and a matching leg spreader to the single bed at the end of the room.
“Whats the story with those microphones … they’re huge and buzzing … is that feedback ? where’s the speaker ?” said Oldfield
“They give feedback alright” MrsNitch laughed and winked to Sexiwexi.
“From the top girls … one, two, one, two, three, four” Oldfield counts them down tapping his feet on the floor and clapping his hands.
SexiWexi and MrsNitch begin singing, bouncing sexily on the single beds, their lace underwear and sexy shapes pleasing oldfield who is purely enjoying this from an artistic point of view. He said. Several times.
“I come home in the morning light” …. as they bounce its clear to Oldfield that they’re really bad but he smiles to ensure they keep going … ‘Nice girls’
“My mother says when you gonna live your life right” … SexiWexi is really getting into it now, eyes closed … belting out the lyrics and bouncing higher
“Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones” … they turn to each other now … eye’s open …. MrsNitch raises her arm, the other holding her mic under her chin, MrNitch is nodding his head in the corner, singing along since he’s tied up anyhow
And girls they wanna have …. ” …. as the word “fun” begins SexiWexi mis judges a bounce, boobs fly … she lands on MrsNitch bed … her microphone catches MrsNitch under the chin and they collapse together off the side of the bed.
To roars of laughter below, Oldfield approaches with caution …. before being grabbed down by the girls … “Illl show you what this microphone can do” shouts sexiwexi.
“This is bollox” shouts MrNitch, “cmon da fuck and let me out of this thing”
Rinara has appeared from beneath the covers of the bed beside him “Now why would I do that MrNitch ?” she purrs … “Be gentle ?” Mr Nitch utters quietly whilst thinking about the pride of representing his country.
To his hangover, crossed legged facing his laptop, naked apart from the wet towel around his head looking very ill and sorry for himself DDD pens “this hangover …. should burn and rave all day, rage rage against mediocrity and fuck you Ophelia, you’re nothing but a squally and back drop to this wonderful world”.