Why are Hurricanes named after women ??
Because when they come, they're wild and wet.....And when they leave, they take your house and car with them
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Joke
27th Sep 2011 - 9:50pm
Wife treats her husband by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday.
The doorman says '' Hello Dave, hows things ''. His wife said.. How does he know you ? He says,, er..i play football with him.
Inside, the barman says ' usual Dave ' ?. Dave says to his wife.. before you say anything.. he's on the same darts team as me at the local.
Next, a lapdacer says '' Hi Dave, do you want the special again ?'' The wife storms out, dragging Dave with her and jumps into a Taxi. The driver says '' fuckin hell Dave, you've pulled a right minger this week..!
The doorman says '' Hello Dave, hows things ''. His wife said.. How does he know you ? He says,, er..i play football with him.
Inside, the barman says ' usual Dave ' ?. Dave says to his wife.. before you say anything.. he's on the same darts team as me at the local.
Next, a lapdacer says '' Hi Dave, do you want the special again ?'' The wife storms out, dragging Dave with her and jumps into a Taxi. The driver says '' fuckin hell Dave, you've pulled a right minger this week..!
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? ( hello because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? ( they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE 1 EGG?they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? ( because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) ( you're laughing!!!!)
5. WHY WERE... MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs)
... ... ... 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? ( don't know.... it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your dumb jokes)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? ( because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? ( they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE 1 EGG?they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? ( because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) ( you're laughing!!!!)
5. WHY WERE... MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs)
... ... ... 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? ( don't know.... it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your dumb jokes)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? ( because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.)
1..What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
2..What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
3..What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
4..Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
5..Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
6.. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
7..How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
8..What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
9..How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
10..Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Now you guys dont shoot me down!
Put the remote control between his toes.
2..What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
3..What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
4..Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
5..Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
6.. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
7..How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
8..What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
9..How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
10..Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Now you guys dont shoot me down!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."
Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."
Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?
Daithi 
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch!!!
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
tickle tickle play :p
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs
playfull wrote:
Lmao here daithi has me in stiches here
Lmao here daithi has me in stiches here
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs
Paddy has broken his hip and his buddy Tom has called over to see him.
Tom askes, "how you doing?"
Paddy says, "okay but would you do me a favour and go upstairs for my slippers my feet are bloody freezing"
Tom goes up the stairs and sees Paddys gorgeous 19yr old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
He says, "Your dad has sent me up here to have sex with the both of you"
They say "Get away will ya.......... Prove it"
Tom shouts down the stairs, "the both of em?"
mick shouts back, "Of course the both of em, whats the point in f**king one?"
Tom askes, "how you doing?"
Paddy says, "okay but would you do me a favour and go upstairs for my slippers my feet are bloody freezing"
Tom goes up the stairs and sees Paddys gorgeous 19yr old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
He says, "Your dad has sent me up here to have sex with the both of you"
They say "Get away will ya.......... Prove it"
Tom shouts down the stairs, "the both of em?"
mick shouts back, "Of course the both of em, whats the point in f**king one?"
A guys working in an office needs to see his boss (a Man), but his secretary (a woman)is not outside so he goes to the door and stops when he hears a womans voice so he listens intently:
Oh Sir Geoffry do not touch......
Oh Sir Geoffry do not............
Oh Sir Geoffry do................
Oh Sir Geoffry do................
Oh Sir Geoffry...................
Oh Sir...........................
Oh...............................
.................................
not the funniest but a clever use of language
Oh Sir Geoffry do not touch......
Oh Sir Geoffry do not............
Oh Sir Geoffry do................
Oh Sir Geoffry do................
Oh Sir Geoffry...................
Oh Sir...........................
Oh...............................
.................................
not the funniest but a clever use of language
My wife and i walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food?" she said. "It was absolutly incredible, and it is our anniverrsary tomorrow".
Fuck it, I thought . I'll treat her.
So i walked her past again.
Fuck it, I thought . I'll treat her.
So i walked her past again.
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks 'where's ya tampons' the assistant replies "Down that aisle mate". The man returns with cotton wool balls, dental floss and toilet paper. "Thought you wanted tampons?" the assistant asked. " Yeah, well, last week I asked the wife to buy me a pack of smokes, she came back with a pouch of tobacco and Rizzla papers - so let's see how she likes rolling her own!"
